Interviewing Kayla Lords: “Freelance writer, sex blogger, independently published erotica author, sexual being, living and loving the BDSM lifestyle.”
You have a weekly corner where your readers can send you a photo and a statement about masturbation. How did you get this idea? (Correction: Bloggers and authors can write a post about masturbation using a photo as a writing prompt and share it on a special website – http://masturbationmonday.kaylalords.com – each week)
Masturbation Monday was created as an official weekly meme in response to something I experienced on my own website. Each day of the week is a different topic for my blog, and I chose Mondays to highlight masturbation – usually as erotica instead of educational. It was, and continues to be, my most popular day for readers. People click on things that say “masturbation” even if society, in general, appears to be ashamed of the act. I knew if masturbation was bringing people to my website, then it could bring people to other blogger and author websites. I wanted to bring masturbation into the online conversation – and I wanted to help other bloggers and authors grow their readership and websites.
What’s the relevance of offering a special corner for sharing your personal pleasures with your readers?
For most of my life, I thought about sex. I was fascinated by it, curious about it, and I fantasized about sex – on an almost daily basis. I read romance novels at the age of seven. But when I grew older, I “learned” at home that sex was not something to discuss. Every time I tried to ask my parents about it, they became angry. They refused to talk about sex with me. I learned the mechanics of sex in health and sex education classes in school and from what I read. At the age of 15, I tried to masturbate but had so many guilty feelings about it that I stopped. I thought I was doing something wrong. I lost my virginity at 18 because I drank too much and let my inhibitions down. After that, being sexual and experiencing sexual pleasure felt like a rebellion against my childhood. Until I married the wrong man and lost my libido.
I divorced and returned to the dating world at age 32. I had a new perspective on sex and pleasure without the shame. I read sex blogs for months before I ever decided to start my own, and the words of other bloggers empowered me to embrace my sexual side. My blog is part reveling in my own sexuality, part educating others by sharing what I’ve learned, and part giving people an opportunity to see that sexuality isn’t something to hide or be ashamed of.
I’ve noticed that it is extremely important to you to show and explain that masturbation is something that’s completely natural. Why’s that so important to understand?
I spent many years of my life being afraid of my vagina and clitoris. The pleasure I felt when I was touched there felt wrong and dirty. No one ever told me it was wrong or dirty but I internalized that belief based on how my parents reacted to questions about sex. I was afraid of my own pleasure. The moment I decided not to be afraid and to embrace what I could do to my body, I grew as a person. I became more self-confident. I perceived the world in a different way because I no longer had shame about something that should never have shamed me in the first place.
There are people, even erotic authors, who tell me that masturbation – talking about it, mostly – makes them uncomfortable. It saddens me but it doesn’t surprise me. Boys are told if they masturbate too much they’ll go blind or get a hairy palm. Girls aren’t even teased about it (at least not when I was younger) because we’re taught not to touch ourselves at all. The only way to help change that is to talk openly about masturbation, to embrace sexual pleasure, and to worry less about what people do in their bedrooms.
Ever since you’ve started sharing your masturbation’s adventures, what have you been learning about ways of pleasure and about your own body? Was it essential for you to write about masturbation in your blog?
I started my blog as a way to chronicle my masturbation journey. I’d been rejected by a lover who noticed I never had an orgasm when we had sex. Not because he couldn’t bring me pleasure, but because each time I came close to a climax, I stopped myself and pulled away. He said it was a turn off. I wanted to develop a relationship with him, so I looked at my inability (or unwillingness) to orgasm as a problem to fix. The best way to correct it was through masturbation.
Prior to starting my blog, I wrote a blog under my real name about my divorce. I’d seen how that had helped me and readers so I thought writing about masturbation would help more than just myself. I also wanted to try to write the sexual fantasies that played in my head all the time. Those sexual fantasies helped fuel my masturbation and so it all went hand-in-hand, so to speak.
With your characters, Katie e Johnathan, what messages do you want to share about domination and submission?
In my books and on my blog, my message about BDSM is the same. Real people with real problems, real bodies, and real emotions can enter into BDSM and a D/s relationship and it’s okay and normal and healthy. All that matters is consent. Katie and Johnathan are based on my real life D/s relationship – I didn’t even have enough imagination to change their names much – and those are the kinds of thoughts, emotions, and experiences that people can have as they build any relationship, but especially a D/s relationship together. I want to normalize the idea of BDSM and D/s. Yes, it’s kinky sex and a lifestyle that many people don’t want to live – and that’s okay. But we’re not criminals. Our desire and need for BDSM or D/s are not proof of some psychological damage. We’re normal people with normal lives who need something different from our relationships. That’s what I hope Katie and Johnathan show people. Of course, I’d also like to turn readers on with hot sex, too.
Ever since you’ve started writing about eroticism, BDSM and masturbation, what have you’ve been learning? What kind of subjects would you like to talk about in your essays?
I’ve learned so much that I’m not sure there’s time or space to fully explain it all.
I’ve learned how to be more open-minded than I ever thought possible. I’ve always considered myself open-minded and accepting of everyone, but there’s a difference between intellectually understanding that people are different and sitting down and having a conversation with someone who has sexual needs that not only confuse me, but gross me out a little. What I’ve embraced, fully, is one simple idea: “Your kink isn’t my kink, but your kink is okay.” As long as what you do is with other consenting adults, I don’t have to like it or understand it in order to accept a person.
I talk about almost everything on my blog. I discuss BDSM and D/s from the perspective of living as a full submissive in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I write about my own masturbation experiences. I even write mediocre poetry from time to time. If there are topics that I would like to explore, they would focus on the social and societal implications of BDSM and D/s and any sexual preference. Feminism and submission, making money from sex, and porn are on my list of topics to explore. Will I do that on my blog or in books? I don’t know yet.
In what way has your sexuality improved by have choosing this path and this kind of work? What’s the importance of writing and studying about these subjects?
My sexuality improved the moment I masturbated for the first time because I understood, at that moment, that sexual pleasure was good and right. It gave me a confidence boost I could never have imagined. Discovering I was a submissive who wanted and needed a Dominant partner and enjoyed the sexual play of BDSM was another level of sexuality that I never thought possible. Knowing, understanding, and embracing who you are as a person is empowering. I continue to write for many reasons. One, because I love writing. I adore the written word and stringing words together to form thoughts. But two, I write as a way to make sure that who I am as a person is represented in the world. We have many differences between us all, but we also have many similarities. I get great joy when I receive a comment or an email from someone who thanks me for writing a post or talking about a specific topic because they can relate and they thought they were alone. That’s when I know I’m making a difference in the lives of not just those closest to me, but also the lives of people I will never meet. I want my readers to feel the amount of empowerment and confidence I now feel simply because I’ve accepted my sexual nature.
In your perspective about BDSM, what do you think it’s lacking so that people start looking at this practice as something natural, especially so that no more negative connotations and ideas arise like the ones that had appeared because of “50 Shades of Grey”?
I doubt there’s very little anyone can do to alleviate the negative thoughts and ideas, especially when fantasy/fiction like 50 Shades receives the attention and not the thousands of well-written, accurate stories that alredy exist. That being said, sex of any type or flavor already has negative connotations – it’s not even something society is able to have a healthy conversation about, so BDSM has an even more difficult time being accepted.
In the world of BDSM, we also have the issue of many of our fetishes and scenes appearing, from an outsider’s point of view, violent and harsh. For people who are unaware of BDSM, the images and movies can appear more like rape and kidnapping and less like consensual kinky fun. The only way to alleviate some of that confusion is to discuss BDSM in a realistic and healthy way.
When I attend a local munch (a gathering of BDSM lifestylers in a vanilla setting) in my area, they don’t experience or discuss BDSM in an online world. They live it and experience it through munches and the local BDSM dungeon and their own relationships. Their concern is not about 50 Shades books or movies but about people who “play” BDSM in the online world and have no real world experience. Their opinion is that these online Dominants/tops and submissives/bottoms are the big danger to the lifestyle. After hearing their concerns, I decided it was my responsibility as someone who talks about BDSM in the online world to accurately portray what BDSM means to me. I am only one small voice, but if more people talk about BDSM from a real-life perspective, instead of the erotic perspective (some of which appears violent to outsiders), we may have a better chance of having healthier conversations and gaining some small measure of acceptance.
Is it a mistake thinking that BDSM is only about whips, ropes and torture? What other ways are there to practice BDSM?
Absolutely. The whips, ropes, and torture are one end of the BDSM spectrum. At the other end are light spankings, bondage with scarves and silk ties, and some sexual play that many people might not even consider all that kinky.
Something that is often forgotten – or simply not realized – is that BDSM can exist outside of a sexual relationship. Pain is not a requirement in BDSM, either. For some, it’s all about control – either having it as a top or Dominant or giving it up, as a bottom or submissive. What happens between those people in terms of control may have nothing to do with whips or chains, and may have more to do with eating healthy, getting to bed on time, and exercising – all valid activities that can occur within a BDSM relationship
There are still negative connotations around BDSM life style. What makes this happening? What motivates you living this way, studying and teaching?
People tend to make snap judgements based on a first impression. If all you know about BDSM is an image of a woman tied up in the middle of a gangbang, you might assume that BDSM is violent and misogynistic. By looking deeper, asking questions, and not assuming anything, you soon learn that what appears to be extreme and violent is actually a consensual act between multiple loving partners.
I’m not trying to change society’s mind about BDSM – not by myself. I’m simply lending my voice to a collection of people in the BDSM lifestyle who can and do show that there’s more to what we do than one misunderstood sex act. Consent is at the heart of everything that happens. Without consent, it’s abuse, and shouldn’t be tolerated by anyone. What I hope to do is help people understand that my desires don’t affect or change theirs. That we can all have our sexual desires and as long as consent is respected, it’s healthy and natural, even if it’s not something you or I might enjoy. Your kink isn’t my kink, but your kink is okay.
What pleasure do you take from writing erotic texts, describing in detail the way your characters climax and so?
I know I’ve written something well when I turn myself on writing it and later, reading it. I enjoy knowing my words, my thoughts, my images turned someone else on. I enjoy bringing sexual pleasure to people – without necessarily having to interact with them. It’s erotic and exciting and brings its own type of power to it. I don’t expect to turn everyone on with my writing, but I get a rush when I know I’ve turned someone on.
Apart from the pleasure that you get from what you do, what messages do you want to transmit to your readers about eroticism, the body, etc?…
I hope people walk away from my blog or my books understanding a few things: It’s all natural. It’s all healthy. It’s all okay. We’re perfect the way we are – even if we don’t have size 2 bodies or perky breasts or smooth skin. We all deserve to feel good and sexual and to enjoy our sexuality in a way that’s meaningful to us.
You state, in your site, that only after you got divorced you’ve became a more sexually active woman e it was after that moment that you’ve started writing for your site, helping you finding your own sexuality. Was it important to you to walk this path to help you find your own purpose in life?
I had no idea what path I was walking when I started the website. I could never have predicted the direction my life would take. All I knew is that I wanted to write and I wanted to discuss masturbation and sex in some way. I need to share my thoughts with others. If I didn’t, I’d write this all down in a private journal and lock it away. I want to connect with people – whether we share kinks or not – to help others, and myself, feel less alone in a big, scary world. I am driven to write about BDSM, masturbation, and sex because I remember what it was like to be scared of my own sexuality, to ignore my sexual nature, and to live in a sexless marriage that made me miserable. If my words can help even one person, I’ve done something good.
Has writing about your fantasies and about masturbation, helped you to show other women and men that it is worth to fight for a better sexual life, learn about eroticism, BDSM and masturbation?
Absolutely. Not everyone is a sexual creature. There are people who identify as asexual. I respect that. But the vast majority of people want sex, desire sex, and some, like me, feel they need it. But many people are scared of it, worried about it, think they’re doing something wrong, think they can’t find love, and believe their desires are deviant or wrong. I want to say to those people that it’s not true. Sex, whether you’re into BDSM or not, is an important part of life. You should have the freedom to enjoy sex, masturbation, BDSM, and whatever your kink might be, fully. As long as you gain the full consent of your partner, do what feels good.
I feel so strongly about it because I experienced so much personal growth once I embraced myself as a submissive woman in the BDSM lifestyle who enjoys sex, orgasms, and masturbation. I refuse to believe that I’m the only person out there to benefit from such a revelation.
Thank you for your time! It’s very much appreciated!
Thank you so much for letting me speak about BDSM, masturbation, and sex! I’m honored to be included in this project.
Project Genesis by Pleasure
Interview: Pedro Marques
Translation and Correction and: Mariana Dias